Ingredients

4 oz. dried pinto beans

4 oz. dried kidney beans

4 oz. dried white beans

4 oz. dried black beans

1½ lbs. top round steak (chopped into ½-inch cubes; discard as much fat as you wish)

1½ lbs. ground chuck

1 tsp. kosher salt

1 tsp. freshly ground pepper

4 tsp. cumin

6 tbsp. chili powder

1 tbsp. coriander seeds

2 tsp. oregano

2 medium yellow onions, chopped

6 cloves garlic, minced

olive oil

1 Anaheim or California chile, stem removed

1 Poblano chile, stem removed

2 Jalapeño chiles, stems removed

1 Habañero chile, stem removed

2 red bell peppers, stemmed and seeded

2 green bell peppers, stemmed and seeded

1 yellow bell pepper, stemmed and seeded

4 large cans whole tomatoes

2 6-oz. cans tomato paste

1 bottle of Coors

2 oz. dark chocolate

3 tbsp. white wine vinegar

1 dirty old sweat sock (just kidding)

3 shots of Patrón tequila

1. Cover dried beans with about 2 inches of water and soak for about 8 hours. Change the water every hour or so (this helps rid the beans of indigestible complex sugars that create gas in your intestines—and we don’t want musical chili!). When soaking is complete, drain and add the beans to a large pot.
2. Place the beef in a big skillet. Add two good pinches of kosher salt and ground black pepper, then add 1 tbsp. each of cumin, chili powder, coriander, and oregano. Brown the beef, then add to the pot. (Don’t clean the skillet.)
3. In a second skillet, sauté the onions and garlic in a bit of olive oil. Add a pinch of salt and pepper and cook until translucent. Add to the pot.
4. In the beef skillet, sauté the chiles. Add a pinch of salt and pepper. Once browned, chop them up—seeds and all—and add to the pot.
5. In the beef skillet, sauté the bell peppers. Add a pinch of salt and pepper and a bit more olive oil. Cook until al dente, then add to the pot.
6. Add the tomatoes, tomato paste, beer, chocolate, vinegar, and remaining salt, pepper, and spices—and whatever else I forgot that remains.
7. Now throw back your 3 shots of tequila and be proud of what you’ll have accomplished by tomorrow.
8. This final step is most important—and I’m not kidding: bring the chili to a boil and then immediately reduce the heat to simmer. You must now simmer (stirring irregularly) for at least 24 hours—no less.
9. If you can’t stay up all night nursing the chili, remain home from work the next day to ensure that it receives the attention it requires; or refrigerate until you can tend it again, and continue the process until it’s cooked for 24 hours.
10. Taste the chili once in a while to see if it’s OK. You won’t know what OK really means for about 8 hours, but it’s fun to taste once in a while and smile. If it needs more liquid, add another can of tomatoes or more beer. If you want more kick, add more chili powder and cumin.
11. Now invite over some people who are sure to appreciate good HOT chili. Have them bring the beer, a big green salad, and a mountain of garlic bread.
12. Note that there will be no need for good conversation: the chili will burn everyone’s mouth to the point that they will continue to feed the FIRE in disbelief.